Yesterday morning I overheard my 6 year old son say "Stupid" and immediately my 4 year old daughter said in an almost threatening tone "Ho-ho, you said a bad word. I am going to tell Amma." Yes, "stupid" is a taboo word in my home. Call me "stupid" but I believe that the word is one of the most demoralisng words that can be  used on another person (although some people truly deserve it), especially amongst children.

This little scene got me thinking of the taboo words in my personal "dictionary" and how I have modified, deleted and/or substituted them over the years. Here are some of them:-

1. Pass flatus - i.e. "fart" (I cringe even as I type this word); let out gas. My father who passed away when I was 16 was somewhat an easy going man but he never or at least I never heard him) use any vulgarities, "fart" included. We always said "pass flatus" like prim and proper girls to the point that using it came as naturally as passing flatus. Many of my friends did not understand what I meant when I said that and they tought I was absolutely weird. Why say pass flatus when you can say fart. I remember when I was in London doing my Bar, my good friends gave me a perplexed look before falling off their chairs laughing when I said it. Despite being ridiculed about it, it is still in my personal dictionary and I have passed it on to my kids. Let them bear the ridiculing too until they are ready to drop it out of their own personal dictionaries (but not in my presence though).

2. Colourful expletives - One might think if I cringe at the word "fart", colourful expletives would be a definite no-no. But alas, that was only true until I got married.....and it has nothing to do with my marriage. My man, how shall I term it......is more street-wise. We grew up in completely different worlds. There are times when my man can have a full conversation with a good friend just using expletives and what amazed me was that they actually understood each other! Once, I tried to have such a conversation with him by sending him a message while we were at work. Simple numerical message: 12429 (Simple but those who can't make it out, go figure ;) Well, that turned him on so much but that's another story altogether.

So, I tried them for fun another day on my man, just for a laugh and it was funny. We still do that only in a joking manner NOT within the earshot of our kids. Now, I have "progressed" to extending the usage with him to when I am frustrated a situation at work or something. It's still between us and I would not dream of using it otherwise.

Talking about expletives, the 4 letter word is probably the most popular. It's F this and F that or what the F is going on or who the F does he think he is. Tracing the true meaning of the infamous word, it dates way back when policemen made rounds to curb prostitution and when these people were caught, these policemen had to insert an entry into the station's file as to the reason for the arrest. The term used for such a situation was caught for Fornication Under Carnal Knowledge. Since it was a long term to keep writing, they shortened it to the current 4 letter word. So the next time you say F you, you are actually saying fornication under carnal knowledge you :)

3. Shit - This is still taboo. It's faeces or droppings my dear, not bird's shit or have you finished shitting. I attribute this idiosyncracy of mine to my wonderful mum and her medical background. It has always been B.O i.e. "bowels open" meaning you managed to successfully answer nature's call. The other one is P.U i.e "pass urine". Yes, these are passed to my kids too and yes, they will be ridiculed but I don't give shit, ooops, I don't give a faeces :)

4. Fat - Nothing really "bad" about this word but I find people tend to use it very insensitively. So it remains in my dictionary and that of my kids' current ones.

Well, this is my somewhat short list although with point 2 above, one can actual write a novel. What's yours? 

Someone sent the following to me. Not meant to be offensive but I am posting it here to see how true the descriptions are. I have not been fortunate to live and taste life in India although I can relate to some of the comments in the "Outside India" column. So, please, folks, what's your take on this? Any truth??

Well, My Man is back (Woo-Hoo!!) and I am in seventh, eighth, ninth...... heaven. A friend forwarded the following and I wanted to share them with all my friends to kick-start a jolly good weekend. To the more sensitive ones, this isn't male-bashing. I love men (many of my bestfriends are men). They are like children. It's just that they never grow up. TGIF folks :-)

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.


Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...


Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.


Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????

Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business


Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
 
Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...


Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!


Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.

I am so absolutely totally utterly head over heels in love with my man. There I said it. This post is for two reasons. One, my man has been traveling so much of late and being away from him is killing me. Aaarrgghh!! Two, this is in response to the countless questions posed to me (including my darling sister who has nightmares about my married life after reading Her Man) whether my man was Her Man of my earlier posts. Well, for all out there who wondered (You, too, Chech!!)….. My man is my man and not Her Man J

This is the longest he has been away since we married and I feel like a love-sick teenager. We have been talking on the phone so much, I dread receiving my mobile phone bill this month. It is sure to cost a bomb.

Strangely, for this particular stretch of his absence, I have realized a few things:

1. I don’t need the duvet when sleeping each night but when he is around I grumble that he hogs it and I am left feeling cold.

2. I sleep at the edge of my bed but when he is around I want more space.

3. I have great difficulty sleeping with his elephant-like trumpeting (snores). Now I have great difficulty sleeping without the snores.

4. I miss making coffee in the morning for him when I used to wonder why he could not make it himself (when rushing for work).

5. I miss whipping up a quick dish at mid-night to feed my hungry man. But when he is around I wish you would just eat some bread instead.

6. Usage of my mobile phone was purely to contact my kids, family and friends. Now, I only want to use it to hear his voice.

7. His loud voice used to irritate me when all I wanted was peace and quite after a stressful day at work. Now the house is too quiet and I feel I am going bonkers.

8. I complained when he asked me to pick out his clothes for work. Now, I have planned his outfits for the rest of the month!

9. I pick up after him from discarded clothes, his paperwork, shoes, etc grumbling all the way. Now the house is too clean and I am looking for things to do.

10. I fight with him all the time for the Xbox which he hogs just like our duvet. Now, I don’t even bother switching it on.

11. All of a sudden my man has no flaws!!

People say love does the strangest things. I guess it does. It makes a sane person go looney….just like me. Well folks, till I hear his voice again, the butterflies in my stomach will be doing the Olympics. God knows if I will be able to make it to next week to be in my man’s arms once again. Double Aaaarrrggghhhhh!!!!!

For all my iLand friends who enquired about my absence….thank you so much. It really touched me as I did not know I would be missed. Well, folks, I am back….or at least I think I am J

HER MAN (II)

“Anita? Is everything ok?” Peter was Anita’s good friend from University and was currently a practicing lawyer. After her man’s escapade in Vietnam and the nightmare decision she had made with David, Peter had bumped into her while she was waiting for the train in the morning. Peter could not believe how phased out she looked when approached her. He touched her arm to get her attention. On seeing an old friend, she just broke down sobbing uncontrollably, oblivious to the station-full of people staring at her.

Peter put his arm around her shoulder, picked up her briefcase and guided her out of the station.

At a quiet corner in a café, she finally pulled herself together and poured out all her pain, anguish and mental torment that she had endured the past five years. Peter listened intently, holding her hand gently, yet firmly. Peter could not believe what he was hearing. Different emotions set upon him as he listened. Anger, disgust, frustration, sympathy and…..love.

Anita could not look at his face for humiliation. He quietly sieved through his emotions before he spoke knowing that his next few words would either make or break this beautiful fragile soul sitting before him.

They spoke at length and he tried to make her see that she was far too beautiful a woman to let her man do this to her. Not Anita, not the one who excelled in everything she did. Not the one whom others envied thinking she had it all. Anita needed to value herself just like others valued her. She had to love herself like others loved her. Then, he mentioned the D-word…Divorce. She shot a glare at him. “Never!! He will change. He will be the man he was and we will live happily forgetting this nightmare.”

Peter gave her his number and told her that she could call him anytime for anything, even if it was just a shoulder to cry on. Anita could not bring herself to make it to work that day and went home. She just lay in bed mulling over her life, replaying moment by moment till she felt sick in the pit. Then, for the first time, she swelled in anger and disgust over her man. Her man. She was nauseous. Peter’s words of comfort rang through her mind and it finally clicked that what her man felt for her was not love. She could not continue this way. She was worth more. She still loved her man but she deserved more. A lot more.

She called in sick the next day as well and stayed at home trying to put things in perspective. To prioritise her life, for once. Her life. Not her man’s. As it had always been. It finally dawned on her that she could not go on with this life anymore. Just at that moment her man called her asking for the $600.00. She felt numb yet a new sense of being overwhelmed her. Her man, yes. His woman? No. There was a flicker of strength in her. Literally pushing her forward to break free. Something within her that she had  no control. That was when she made the call to Peter.

“Yes, Peter. Everything is ok. Can you prepare the divorce papers, please?”

“It just excites me to know that you know. I will always come back to you because your are the best. I can sleep with a million women but you are still the best and I can never have enough of you.”

These words kept playing on Anita’s mind over and over again for the past five years. She often wondered if it would ever be finally over. That she would have her man to herself. Her man. The way he was. So principled, so much love, enthusiasm and where she was the only one for him. They loved each other like no other. Soul mates.

But five years ago, things changed when he lost his job. That was when he lost himself too. To escape from his lack of confidence and self-esteem, his sexual fantasies grew wilder and wilder. She matched them all the time, each time taking him to greater heights of pleasure, knocking him out completely. He did not have to think about his problems then.

She would do and did whatever he wanted, even sharing him with other women. It made him feel good, he said, that they could have an open relationship and he could tell her of his sexual exploits. They would be making out wildly and he would leave her in the throngs of passion, only to go to a prostitute, have a short session with her and return to Anita to sleep awhile before continuing where he left off with her.

“Oh Lord, when will this be over? When will he find himself again and see that this is wrong? When will he see how hurt I am each time he tells me how he had sex with a  slut? When will it be ‘us’ again?” Anita cried out in pain and anguish.

She would pay for each of his ‘trips’ just so that he would feel good. Like a man, he said. Even when she did not have enough money, she would find it somehow, just to see him happy. Sometimes, she even arranged these ‘slut sessions’ for him because that made him feel good.

Meanwhile, she tried everything she could to bring him back on track. Applied for jobs, signed him up for courses, always made sure he had money in his wallet even if she had none, got him hooked on hobbies. She finally secured a job for him. The position he had been looking for. Work-good, salary-good. She thought she saw the light at the end of the tunnel and they would return to their pure love. Just Anita and her man, like it always was. Heaven on earth.

He was slowly regaining his self-confidence and self-esteem. He started showing his love and telling her that he had enough of the adulterous life he was living. He was sick of himself and what he had done to her. Anita was so proud of him. He found himself. Everything was going to be alright now. They were going to have their lives back as it was before. She and her man. All the years of silent pain that she bore was coming to an end.

Each time he went on business trips, she would send him off with trepidation, praying that there would not be another sexual escapade abroad. Then one day, he returned from Indonesia and said that nothing happened and he had no desire to do it with any other woman. Anita was over the moon with joy. The following week, she sent him to the airport for his next business trip to Vietnam. This time, without fear, but just so full of love for her man. He kissed her hard before checking in and she waited till his figure vanished out of sight. She drove home content and thanked God for answering her prayers.

That night she sat on her bed counting her money as she had bills to be paid immediately. His escapades had drained her out of her savings as well as her income and she was truly stuck. She only had $10.00 to her name. She sent him an SMS and told him that she was worried as she did not have enough to pay the utility bills and the Utility company would terminate the service if payment of $200.00 was not paid the next day. He was silent.

An hour later, he sent her an SMS asking her if she could find away to come up with $200.00 as he wanted to call for a slut that night. That blow hit Anita so hard, she just fell onto the bed wailing in pain. How could he? How could he do that to her knowing the financial situation? How could he do that to her knowing that she would do anything for him? The reality was that his return to his old self was extremely short-lived. He was addicted to his current life.

Anita pulled herself together and sat up. She could not ask anyone for the money as she had already exhausted all the trust in her friends and relatives. She hated him for doing this to her. She knew that he had always been selfish. It was always about him. What he wanted. What he needed. His joy. His satisfaction. He never thought about her feelings. How she was struggling to make ends meet.

Slowly, she reached for the phone and dialed. “Hello…David? This is Anita. I need $200.00 urgently. I don’t know if I will be able to repay you so, in return, I will give you what you have been chasing for all this while”. David was her colleague. He had been hot for her for some time but she had always turned him down as she only had eyes for her man.

David could not believe his ears. He was there within 20 minutes and his lust lasted 10 minutes. He left the house with $200.00 in Anita’s hand. She was devastated. Her head was spinning. She was bruised. She could not believe what she had done for her man. Coldly, she dressed up and walked to the bank like a zombie to deposit $200.00 into his account. When that was done, she sent him an SMS to say that the money was in his account.

Three hours later he called her sounding so happy with himself to tell her how it went with the slut. She was not interested. She was numb. She told him she was tired and went to bed. She lay there feeling raw with pain, externally and internally. She realized things were never going to change. Her man was too happy with his current life and she could not live without him no matter what he did.

What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

            "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
                             paint her toenails anymore.

            So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his
                        hands got arthritis too. That's love."
                                    Rebecca- age 8


                "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
                                      different.
                You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
                                    Billy - age 4


            "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
                    cologne and they go out and smell each other."
                                     Karl - age 5

            "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
              French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
                                   Chrissy - age 6


                  "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
                                    Terri - age 4


            "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes
            a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
                                    Danny - age 7


             "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
             of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
             My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
                                        kiss"
                                    Emily - age 8


            "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
                            opening presents and listen."
                                 Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)


            "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
                                friend who you hate,"
                                    Nikka - age 6
                 (we need a few million more Nikkas on this planet)

            "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
                                    it everyday."
                                    Noelle - age 7

            "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
               still friends even after they know each other so well."
                                    Tommy - age 6


            "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I
             looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving
                                     and smiling.
              He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
                                    Cindy - age 8



                        "My mommy loves me more than anybody
               You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
                                    Clare - age 6


             "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
                                     Elaine-age 5

             "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
                      says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
                                    Chris - age 7


             "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
                                 him alone all day."
                                   Mary Ann - age 4


            "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
                   old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
                                    Lauren - age 4

              "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
                    little stars come out of you." (what an image)
                                    Karen - age 7

             "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
                                  think it's gross."
                                     Mark - age 6

            "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But
               if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
                                   Jessica - age 8

             And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
                    talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
            The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
            The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
               was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

              Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
             gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

             When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the
                                   little boy said,
                           "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

I asked my 4 year old daughter for her definition. After some thought she said, " When you sit by my side the whole night when I am sick although you are very tired from work and massage my body so I can sleep well. Sometimes I see you cry softly and get angry with myself for being sick."

What's your definition?? :)

Some mid-week humour....

For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?"
Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a
little sausage.

Men are like......

1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. ! Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips.

6. Men are like .. Commercials  ..... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds  .... They take soooooooo long to
mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how
many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Lots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.

Dogs have always been a part of my life, including the one I am married to. Heheheh. On a serious note, dogs are truly wonderful companions. My dog went missing on Saturday and we went all over our estate to look for him. We have had him for only 4 months. He is a miniature long-haired Dachshund. I did not realise how much he meant to me until he went missing. I have an in-built system to bottle up my feelings. So you can imagine the shock my husband went through when he asked me if I was alright and I burst out crying in reply.

I could not sleep that night and was sure that he was gone forever as he is a rare breed in Singapore and is simply adorable. Thankfully, he is microchipped and we managed to track him down the next night when the person who caught him tried to sell him at the pet shop. Needless to say, I am smiling once again. This temporary loss has made me think of all the dogs in my life, excluding my ex-boyfriends ;)  This is my tribute to them.

My first dog (actually my grandfather's) was a male mongrel called Raji. He followed my grandfather everywhere. The first and only time I saw a dog cry was when my grandfather passed away. I was 7 years old then. Raji just slouched against the wall with tears rolling down his face when the hearse was taken away. He did not eat after that and died a week later. That was when I realised what wonderful creatures dogs are.

Shortly after Raji's death, we had a female mixed breed called Lady. She was super-intelligent and could open doors and gates. When my uncle had a stroke and could not talk, she sensed that he was ill and watched out after him. One day, when my uncle limped out of the house in anger after a quarrel with my grandmother, Lady followed him and only returned the next day when he came home. Lady passed on when I was 17.

The next time I owned a dog, truly mine, was when I got married. It was a long-haired Dachshund too. Roy. Handsome bugger :) He was my protector. No one could speak to me in harsh tones when he was around. Sadly, he left us 3 years later and till today, my heart pines for him.

Subsequently, we have looked after 3 cocker spaniels(crazy wild and absolutely hyper), a schnauzer and a Labrador. We have had wild times with them especially when swimming. But we have also had very trying times like furniture being chewed up, TV broken, etc. However, nothing beats their presence.

Dogs can sense your emotions and react accordingly. When I am down, he lies down beside me, like a friend giving a shoulder to cry on. When I am happy, he is playful. I can talk to him and he looks at me with such adoring eyes no matter how bad I look

Tonight, I am going to celebrate his return with a book, some lovely white wine and him snuggled close to me. Hmmmmm.....

I discovered from one of my earlier posts "Having a bad day??" that many iLanders are looking for something to lift their moods and bring on a smile. I hope the following snippets will do just the same. If this posts brightens at least one person's day, my mission is accomplished :) Have a great week everyone!!

Married humour     Wife: "What are you doing?"
      Husband : Nothing.
      Wife : "Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate
     for an hour."
      Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
     --------------------------------------------------------------------
      Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
      Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
      Wife : "Yes and no."
     --------------------------------------------------------------------
      Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet.  Why?"
      Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
     your picture and the problem disappears."
      Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
      Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem
     can there be greater than this one?"
     --------------------------------------------------------------------
      Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
     worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
      Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries
     or troubles."
      Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
     --------------------------------------------------------------------
       Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
     to give up my seat to a lady."    Mom: "Well, you have done the right
     thing."
      Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
     ________________________________
      A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
     father hadn't left me a fortune?"
      "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER
     WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
     --------------------------------------------------------------------
       Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
      Son: "My friend just borrowed it.  He wants to scare his parents."
     --------------------------------------------------------------------
      Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
      The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
     --------------------------------------------------------------------
      A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty
     face or my sexy body?"    He looked at her from head to toe and
     replied: "I like your sense of humor